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What made you decide to Transition ?
For me it was a necessity.. I new from an early age that I was differant.. I grew up in what was a very backward Ireland in the 70s and 80s.. I could not understand why I was born male and not my true self most importantly I did not know where to go to get help...For most of my life I buried my head in the sand... I tried to deny who I truly was. I became very good at it too., I became a very good liar, as we all do.. I would not get close to anyone in case they discovered my secret.. I threw my self into sports.. I felt if I could became good at them I could hide my true self, which I did successfully for many years, or so I though.. I also drank very heavily. Drinking 15 ,16 pints of bear would not be out of the norm.. Working Monday to Friday and also going to the gym took my mind off.. But weekends I would start drinking 21.00 Friday night in a pub finishing 09.00 Saturday mornings ( we had lockin ) sleep all day and repeat Saturday night.. I was just existing not living. This went on for many years.
That all changed on November 13 2001 in the west of Ireland.. I was involved in a road traffic accident.. A truck ploughed right through me .. With the speed he was traveling and the size of road I should have died that day.. I was spared.... all I had was cuts and bruises.. but for the next month I was on a downward spiral.. I drank myself into oblivion every night and had many meltdown till that last night I was out with friends and drank 14 pints of beer and most of a bottle of vodka.. I ended up trashing a pub.. My brother managed to get me home.. The next day covered in bruises again I had that moment in the bathroom mirror.. I realised if I continue on as is I will end up dead.. that is when I finally excepted who I was.. It was also during that first month I came out to friends and family as being a Trans. All excepted me there and then.. all replied you are still the same person
I sought out counselling which was difficult.. After visiting 2 which I did not feel comfortable with I met Paula ( an amazing counsellor ) I felt so comfortable and everything came out.. That was my moment..
Mistress found me in 2004 wandering aimlessly through websites and I really did not what I was doing.. Mistress gave me purpose and direction and then blessed me with Her collar. I have not always been deserving of it.. On many occasions I failed Her and few times I just vanished without a word.. That is how I survived.. anyone getting too close I would just leave.. But Mistress was amazing and to this day still is
But it would not be till November 2008 that I started transition as I thought could live as my weekends.. for a time I was happy with that but more and more I was living as me, then.. I had a plan as well..5 years.. but life has a way of changing your plans..my mom got cancer and passed away whom I was very close and my brother Andy, he was my rock with him I could be anyone.. he died from a freak accident.. my world collapsed I was a heartbeat from stopping transition as I did not think I could go on without him.
My family, friends and Mistress helped me through this low point.
I found the support group in Ireland around 2002.. For the first time I felt me.. I found myself going out more and more as me and not my fake self.
This is when I truly discovered myself and for the first time told my family and friends my wish to transition, that was not so well taken.. Only my brother Older brother Andy excepted me along with a couple friends at first.. Thankfully as I write I have most of my friends and family back in my life..
I am very lucky almost everyone I had in my old life, GP, Optician home, work friends family I have back now.. I realise not everyone has same.
I had surgery Oct 24 2019 and have had so many complications as=nd at this stage and just over my 4th corrective surgery..it has been a tough year.. lots of tears and meltdowns but if Ihad to do it all again I would in a heartbeat.
For me to become me, as I said earlier in my past life I was existing and not living now the very opposite.. I am enjoying myself and so so happy.
I truly believe in my heart I would have transitioned, even if I had not been found by Mistress but having Mistress in my life gives extra meaning to it..
Yes there has been lots of blood, sweat and tears but I would not change a thing.
My apologies if I went on too long.
I, like Natalie, lived in denial for most of my life feeling that my desire to feel feminine was something could control. It was not as it caused me to be untrue to myself and to others.
When I finally gathered the courage to seek counseling and come out to those closest to me it felt like a great weight had been lifted. Thankfully, I have been blessed by a level of understanding by those closest to me who took the announcement in stride and were "not very surprised". The hiding we do is mostly from ourselves.
I realize that not everyone has such luck when making such a large decision.
I've been on hrt for a couple of years now and while there are many things I can say about the experiences, some of the most valuable have been the perspective afforded me to view conditioned male persona. We are so blinded by our social conditioning. I was so ignorant.
As difficult as it was to come to grips with ourselves and gather sufficient courage it is also a decision not to be taken lightly or in the heat of strong and overwhelming desire. My decision came much later in life when most of my parenting and professional obligations had been fulfilled.
Looking back, there is nothing I regret in my fulfillment of those past obligations. That is, for me, none of my former life was wasted - and embarking on this current journey has only added to the deep appreciation and my increasingly unbounded reverence for the miracle of life.
I lived a life in denial and did everything to try and ,fit, in the end, it came down to my own survival, glad i did.
Life has taken me to the place where the woman inside of me has the opportunity to be fre, and this is what I have always wanted.
Me living up to what what I see that i am a transfemine.